Friday:
The Tag Team Dans welcome Matt Braunger, Jackie Kashian, and Douggpound — among others — into the trecherous depths of downtown, and only one of them will make it out alive(!), with The People You’ll Like Show at The Spring Street Smokehouse. (9pm, Free!) Second City Alumni put their public speaking phobias aside for a night of reading some personal essays at Recital. (9:30pm, $5) Glass Beef (Paul Rust and Charlyne Yi) put their petty differences aside, all of which had to do with Paul’s love of dairy, to reunite for a once-in-a-lifetime comeback performance, coincidentally coinciding with the release of their greatest hits CD with The Glass Beef Comeback Special (and CD Release Party) at the UCB. (11pm, $8)

Saturday:
America’s Radio Sweetheart welcomes special guest Miranda July to witness the verbal drilling that author George Saunders will receive as he fields the toughest questions ever(!), in this world or the next, during a conversation and book signing at the Beverly Hills Public Library Auditorium. (2pm, $20) Make that two reasons to risk falling into the ocean this weekend: Five comedians of different religious beliefs perform to find out who the one true God really is — spoiler: it’s one of their testicles — with CoExist Comedy at the Westide Eclectic. (9:30pm, $10) Jason Yellow takes on Jerry O’Hearn for a record-tying 1,367th match in a row with Last Comic Standing at the UCB, this week with special guests Matt Manser, Josh Fadem, James Adomian, and a whole lot more. (10pm, $8)

Sunday:
Mary Lynn Rasjskub proves there is nothing more complicated than purchasing a poodle pillow with the 1,346,761st performance of her show The Complications Of Purchasing A Poodle Pillow at the Steve Allen. (8pm, $25) Put your bowels on hiatus when Josh Fadem welcomes Craig Anton, Derek Hughes, Robert Yasamura and Paul Rust to his Acid Reflux Hour at the Ramada Inn. (9:30pm, Free!) While you were busy seething that the Leave Britney Alone guy signed a TV deal, there was a world out there that was actually going on, a world that will be summarized via sketch comedy with Big News at iO West. (10pm, $5)

We’re taking off early this weekend to head over to The Walmart and pick up some supplies in the event of an apocalyptic flood this weekend. But before we do, here’s your usual comedic schedule. Use it wisely.

Friday:
Mary Lynn Rajskub and Danielle Schneider have horrible sex stories they want you, specifically, to know about during Worst Laid Plans at the UCB. (8pm, $8) Ladies, hold on tight to those chairs or you may slip off while seeing the all-beefcake male lineup at The People You’ll Like Show downtown.(9pm, Free!) Greg Fitzsimmons, Blaine Capatch, and Eddie Pepitone tell some lies, tell some sweet little lies at The Fake Show. (9pm, $10)

Saturday:
As usual, Edmund will serve coffee at Second City. But what the performers don’t know is that this time, the coffee is going to be ice cold! (9:30pm, $10) Host Eddie “The Rubberband Man” Steeples and musical guest Judge Jackson care not about your anti-carb rhetoric by participating in Fries on the Side at SMC Theatre. (9:30pm, $7-ish) Raj Desai wonders aloud, in front of others, how anyone can find anything to gripe about in this picture-perfect world we live in with I Love ____ at the Westside Eclectic. (11pm, $5)

Sunday:
Pause your Season 2 DVD and see some live ASSSSCAT instead. (7:30pm, Free!) See which of our national heroes will be ridiculed and challenged to a fight this week at the Acid Reflux Hour. (9pm, Free!) Learn about what happened this week while you were too busy watching “Leave ____ Alone” videos — the worst one, by far, being this monstrosity — with Big News at iO West. (10pm, $5)

Friday:
Matt Price takes the stage and tells a few tales that’ll tickle your soul with The Weird People Who Lived in My Basement at the UCB. (8pm, $8) If you’re in the mood for a one man show, but don’t want Scientologists to hurtle thetans at you from the rooftops, head over to Second City instead for The Greg Abbott Revue. (8pm, $5) Raj Desai, Susan Burke, Andrew Solmssen and others cut off their arms and use them as weapons in a battle royale to the death in The People You’ll Like Show at The Spring Street Smokehouse. (9pm, Free!)

Saturday:
Dan Castellaneta and friends dub new dialogue to old movie clips they’ve never seen during this week’s episode of Totally Looped at iO West. (8pm, $10) Beth Lapides welcomes Taylor Negron, Greg Behrendt and Laura Kightlinger to remove their cabarets — note: we have no idea what “cabarets” are — to Un-Cabaret at M Bar. (8pm, $15) Leave the ‘rents at home while you take in the disgusting filth of The Dirtiest Sketch in LA Contest at the UCB. (midnight, $5)

Sunday:
Don’t speak over the entire weekend so your voice will be strong when the audience is asked for suggestions during ASSSSCAT at the UCB. (7:30pm, Free!) Ed Salazar, Paul Jay and Chad Fogland are among the “comedians” who will be “walking” onto a “stage” and delivering “jokes” into a “microphone” which will be “heard” by an “audience” at Sundae Royale at iO West. (8pm, $5) Mary Lynn Rajskub finally surpasses Tommy Wiseau’s record for longest-running LA area show with this week’s performance of The Complications of Purchasing a Poodle Pillow at the Steve Allen. (8pm, $25)

Friday:
Enjoy the free beer and the free comedy, but stay away from the edge of the roof or you’ll also get to enjoy the free gravity at The People You’ll Like Show End Of The Summer Rooftop Extravaganza in Downtown LA. (9pm, Free!) See if the new challenges of fatherhood have a negative or positive effect on the quick wit of host Jimmy Pardo in this week’s Match Game Live at the UCB, featuring special guests Neil Patrick Harris, Greg Behrendt and Andy Daly. (9:30pm, $8) Trophy Wife, the Polyphonic Spree of improv comedy, panel up the Friday Forty over at iO West. (10pm, $10)

Saturday:
Andy Kindler headlines a show at the Improv with a full hour of his hilarity, unless he “please allows” Louis CK to muscle his way onstage. (8pm, $18 or so) Christopher Titus, whose life was dramatized in the classic 1999 biopic, hosts this week’s episode of Fries on the Side. (9:30pm, $6) Aaron Ross trims the fat by wittling down his sketch comedy troupe to one(!) person(!) with Al Gore Memorial High School at the Westside Eclectic. (10:30pm, $5)

Sunday:
Bill Dwyer, Elaine Hendrix, The SuperSklars and Beth Littleford are among the panelists at the back-to-back charitable offerings of What’s My Line at ACME. (6pm & 8pm, $25) Guys! Mary Lynn Rajskub is still doing her show over at the Steve Allen! (8pm, $25) Seth Morris finds Ed Helms to eat cheese with at Jeff Garlin’s Combo Platter. (9:30pm, $1)

Friday:
A sketch comedy show gets all meta on your ass with Employee of the Month & Friends at the Westside Eclectic. (8pm, $8) Wyatt Cenac and Ian Edwards show the UCB just how up-and-coming they are when they take over the Stand-Up Spotlight. (9:30pm, $8) Immediately afterwards, Brody Stevens takes the stage for an hour of having his comedic way with you, whether you like it or not, in All Things Brody. (11pm, $5)

Saturday:
Edmund drops some truth serum (roofies!) in the pre-show coffee at the Alumni Invitational over at the Second City. (9:30pm, $10) Steve O’Donnell — who’s written for just about everything ever — and Dino Stamatopolous — who’s had sex just about everywhere ever — are welcomed to the oddly-named talk show Morgan Murphy presents Jen Kirkman (and other guests) at the UCB. (10pm, $8) Paul Goebel, Matt Dwyer, John Carney and Radioactive Chicken Heads intimidate one other with their fierce stares in the Tomorrow Show at the Steve Allen. (midnight, $5)

Sunday:
While the rest of America is enjoying their barbeques, the folks over at ASSSSCAT at the UCB are working hard for your money, so hard for it honey; jokes on them, the show’s free! (7:30pm, Free!) Josh Fadem makes his triumphant return to his namesake show with guests Craig Anton, Michelle Biloon, Erik Charles Nielsen and others at the Acid Reflux Hour. (9:30pm, Free!) Learn all the best toe-tappin’ ways to indicate you want a bathroom stall sexual liaison at Big News. (10pm, $5)

And, since we plan on taking Monday off, here’s your Labor Day agenda as well:

Monday:
Neil Flynn from “Scrubs” hosts the improvisational mayhem of The Armando Show at iO West. (9pm, $10) Sit back, relax, and let the Harold Night performers at the UCB work (clap) for you! (8pm, $5) And finally, we’re sure that Garage Comedy (9pm, Free!) and What’s Up, Tiger Lily? (8pm, Free!) are worth checking out as well. As long as they’re not taking Labor Day off.

Friday:
Jen Smedley and James Mastroianni promise not to charge you $45 to change your air filter in their sketch-tastic J&J Tune & Lube at Second City. (8pm, $10) If you’re an avid newspaper reader, and an alcoholic who has no interest in recovery, you’re going to love the Friday Forty at iO West. (10pm, $10) Jamie Flam and Hugh Moore force jazz and comedy to procreate at gunpoint, giving the audience a night of jamedy they’ll never forget with the Be-Bop Heroin Hour at the Westside Eclectic. (10:30pm, $5)

Saturday:
The country’s greatest original voices, Jerry O’Hearn and Jason Yellow, welcome a whole bunch of their friends — most of them played by James Adomian — in the season two premiere of America’s Best Comic at the UCB. (10pm, $8) We’d usually copy-and-paste the names of comedians performing in the EffinFunny show over at the Empty Stage Comedy Theater, but the new flash animation prohibits this action, and we’re far too lazy to actually type out all of the names. It’s good, though. Trust us. (10pm, $5) Matt Kaye, Competitive Awesome, Wyatt Cenac, Stephanie Escajeda and others stay up real late at the Tomorrow Show at the Steve Allen. (midnight, $5)

Sunday:
If you’re exciting about key phrases such as “improv veteran”, “stage and screen” “single suggestion morphs”, “intimate therapy session, ” relation-based scenes” and “your fancy”, then you’re going to fill your pants with the sexual fluid of your gender while watching The Sisters Baldwin at iO West. (8pm, $5) Will Jeff Garlin’s Combo Platter include a variety of cheeses on it? Will he find a warm soul in the crowd to eat said cheeses with? Is Garlin even going to be there to host the show? Why not pay a buck and take the risk? (9:30pm?, $1?) Something tells us Michael Vick — and possibly the phrase “rape stand” — will be mentioned at this week’s Big News at iO West. (10pm, $5)

Friday:
Sketches, improv, stand-up, videos, rap, baked goods, spoken word essays about the VHS vs. Beta scandal, political platforms, the juggling of toddlers, broken glass, funnel cake, and the invention of electricity(!) are just the first five minutes of The Old Dirty Conservatory Comedy Hour at The Westside Eclectic. (8pm, $8) A record sixty-four different races are on display and ridiculed in Second City’s United Colors of Satire. (9:30pm, $10) The best political sketches of the past month are merely the appetizer to an actual panel discussion at No Waiting over at the iO West. (11pm, $5)

Saturday:
Beth Lapides wines and dines Lauren Weedman, Greg Fitzsimmons — who we enjoy quite a bit — and the SuperSklars in Un-Cabaret at the M Bar! (7pm, $15) Susan Burke stares religion right in the face and bitch-slaps it with the premiere of her more-than-one-man-and-woman supershow Heaven, Hell & Everything Swell at the Steve Allen. (8pm, $10) The Dirtiest Sketch in LA Contest at the UCB will make you scrub the filth — both of the physical and mental variety — off your body for days. (midnight, $5)

Sunday:
ASSSSCAT at the UCB makes a strong case for the argument that only pussies use scripts; you can’t script life, man. (7:30pm, Free!) After the show, pick up 10 empty soda cans, head over to the recycling center and you’ll have your entry fee to Jeff Garlin’s Combo Platter. (9:30pm, $1) We have a feeling that a certain Turd Blossom may be front-and-center in this week’s Big News show at the iO West. (10pm, $5)

Friday:
Start your weekend off by making your mother proud and attending a rousing performance of hand-carved sketch comedy with The Final Five at Second City. (8pm, $10) Brody Stevens, Wyatt Cenac, Ed Salazar and more hope the title of this show they’re performing at is accurate in the downtown comedy showcase People You’ll Like. (8pm, Free!) Rob Corddry, Doug Benson and Chris Hardwick panel it up in tonight’s special, one-night-only (this month at least) performance of the ultimate crowd pleaser Match Game Live at the UCB. (9:30pm, $8)

Saturday:
Improv group The Horrible Sickness warp suggestions from the audience to help them explain the darkness that resides in their souls at the Westside Eclectic. (8pm, $8) Raj Desai, Matt Champagne and Paul Jay are among those performing 15-minute sets — one second more and they get fire-hosed! — during Small Time Titans at the Dorie Theater at Complex Hollywood. (8:30pm, Free!) The Tomorrow Show welcomes Greg Proops, Hard n’ Phirm and Matt Kirshen to their palace of debauchery, madness and alopecia. (midnight, $5)

Sunday:
Jen (”The Year Of The”) Kirkman joins Dan Mintz, Charlyne Yi and other comics with actual names at the inappropriately-titled No Name Comics at Room 5. (7pm, Free!) Instead of cracking open that half-empty bottle of whiskey before dragging yourself over to an ex-lovers’ bed, head to ASSSSCAT at the UCB and feel half the shame! (7:30pm, Free!) Mine disasters and steroids are all the rage at this week’s Big News at iO West. (10pm, $5)

Friday:
It’s not every night that an improv troupe who takes their name from the greatest football coach of all time debuts in cigar-chomping, mustache-wearing fury over at iO West. (8pm, $10) Stand-up comics try to avoid the falling prices at the controversially-named Indie Comedy Night at The Found Theatre (inside a Wal-Mart) in Long Beach. (8pm, $10, and a 2nd show with mostly-different performers on Saturday night) Make sure your distinct laugh is forever preserved in a digital format by attending the AST Records recording of The Sklar Brothers at the UCB. (9:30, $8)

Saturday:
The carefully-crafted sketch comedy show Rich Like Astronauts at Second City proves that improv is for losers. (8pm, $10) Make sure to strap on your butt cushions when you attend the Jimmy Pardo-hosted Theme Park at the Westside Ecletic; it has a lineup that is literally ass-kicking. (9:30pm, $8) The Tomorrow Show tries to keep up the intensity after last week’s 17-hour 2nd anniversary show by welcoming in the high-octane comedy of Michael Busch, Matt Manser and others. (midnight, $5)

Sunday:
The Sunday night ASSSSCAT show at the UCB holds the worst cross-promotion ever by not accepting reservations. (7:30pm, Free!) One-half of the yuk explosion Hendershaw (Dave Horwitz & Mookie Blaiklock) host this week’s churning Reflux Hour. (9:30pm, Free!) Topical sketch humor gets ever topicalier with Big News at the iO West. (10pm, $5)